God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

Subject:

Comments:
: God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire : God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. : How Did You Find Out About Your Deity? : Newspaper Bible Torah : Book of Mormon Divine Inspiration Dead Sea Scrolls : Television Tabloid My Mama Told Me : Burning Shrubbery Near Life Experience Near Death Experience : National Public Radio Other (please specify): : Which Model Deity Did You Acquire? : Yahweh Jehovah Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak) : Krishna Allah Zeus & entourage (Olympus Pak) : Satan Gaia / Earth Mother Odin & entourage (Valhalla Pak) : Jesus Mithra God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) : None of the above, I was taken in by a false god : Did Your God Come To You Undamaged, With All Parts In Good Working Order : and With No Obvious Breakage or Missing Attributes? : Yes No : IF NO, please indicate the problems you initially encountered here. Check all that apply: : Not eternal : Finite/Does not occupy the entire cosmos : Not omniscient : Not omnipotent : Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) : Permits sex outside of marriage : Prohibits sex outside of marriage : Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, et al) : Permits bad things to happen to good people : Looks after life other than that on Earth (particularly that galaxy in Virgo full of Jews) : When beseeched, doesn't stay besecheed : Requires: burnt offerings virgin sacrifices foreskins : : What Factors Were Relevant In Your Decision to Acquire a Deity? : Please check all that apply. : Indoctrinated by parents Needed a reason to live : Indoctrinated by society Needed focus in whom to despise : Imaginary friend grew up Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense : Hate to think for myself Wanted to meet girls/boys : Fear of death Wanted to piss off parents : Fear of life Needed a day away from work : Desperate need for certainty Like organ music : Need to feel Morally Superior Thought Jerry Falwell was cool : Shit was falling out of the sky My shrubbery told me to do it : Are You Currently Using Medication? : Yes No : Have You Ever Worshipped a Deity Before? : If so, please check false god(s) you were fooled by. : Mick Jagger Cthulhu The Almighty Dollar : Bill Gates Left Wing Liberalism The Radical Right : The Sun Baal Ra : The Moon Beelzebub The Designated Hitter Rule : The Great Spirit The Great Pumpkin Cindy Crawford : A burning shrubbery Elvis Dennis Rodman : Tinky Winky Other: _________________ : Are You Currently Using Any Other Source of Inspiration Besides God? : Check all that apply. : Tarot Astrology Lottery : Television Fortune cookies Ann Landers : Dianetics Palmistry Psychic Friends Network : Self-help books Biorhythms Masturbation : Alcohol Bill Clinton Hollywood : Tea Leaves EST CompuServe : Mantras Jimmy Swaggert Crystals : Human Sacrifice Pyramids Wandering around the desert : Insurance policies Burning shrubbery Tinky Winky : Barney Fife Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll Other: : God Employs a Limited Degree of Divine Intervention to Preserve a Balanced Level of Felt Presence and Blind Faith. Your Preference Is? : Check all that apply. : More Divine Intervention Current level of Divine Intervention is just right : Less Divine Intervention Don't know... what's Divine Intervention? : : God Also Attempts to Maintain a Balanced Level of Disasters and Miracles... : Please rate on a scale of 1-5 his handling of the following (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent). : DISASTERS: : : _____ Flood _____ Famine _____ Earthquakes : _____ War _____ Pestilence _____ Plague : _____ SPAM _____ AOL _____ Plague : MIRACLES: : : _____ Rescues _____ Spontaneous remissions : _____ Crying statues _____ Stars hovering over jerkwater towns : _____ Water changing to wine _____ Water changing to ice : _____ Walking on water _____ VCRs that set their own clocks : _____ Saddam Hussein still alive _____ Getting any sex whatsoever : : Do You Have Any Additional Comments or Suggestions For Improving The Quality of God's Services? : (Attach an additional sheet if necessary) : If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes at least 30 days before the Rapture, you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 1023, depending on number of beings entered). : : : : : : :

Optional Link URL:
Link Title:
Optional Image URL: