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=> Probing The Silence

Probing The Silence
Posted by The Nineveh Kid (Guest) - Monday, February 16 2004, 3:22:35 (EST)
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Mr. Parhad, I’m not trying to patronize you, when I say that you are not only an artist, but a damn good one; I can see that. And, I believe you are good at what you do because you love what you do. You are very good with words also. And, I think I am a good enough listener, to hear something important in the message you are trying to articulate. Something in what you are saying rings true in my ears. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not capitulating, I’m just saying there is something there, in your words, that I can’t quite pin down, but I’d like to get to the bottom of it for my own satisfaction. Then I’ll leave you alone. I’ll go my way, after that, when I’ve learned whatever it is I should from you, and then, there will be one less Assyrian Christian thorn in your side.
One day, I’d like to be able to do, with words, what you have done with your sculpting. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but I’m still studying the craft and I have a long road ahead; maybe you can help me on my way. I love writing, and I believe the best way to become an accomplished writer is to write and write and write. I hope you noticed that I said, “accomplished writer,” not a successful writer. I don’t care if I ever earn a penny from writing. I want to paint with words, but convey what I’m trying to say as honestly as I can. That quality is missing from a lot of literature today as well as movies, television and music. That’s because the people who create a lot of this stuff they call art, are in it for the money and the fame. Money is not important to me, and fame even less. In fact, I prefer anonymity, because it will help me preserve my integrity.
Well now, getting back to this problem of Christianity. I’ve wrestled with religion and God most of my short life; I’m still wrestling with them. I keep looking for new angles from which to view them. I don’t think I have any doubts about Jesus Christ being a real person, who actually lived and said the things that are recorded in scripture. And, I do believe that His words are true. I may have some doubts about a lot of things that happened afterward, with respect to some of His followers, inside and outside of the Church. Most of that, however, I attribute to the fact that Christ never said He would change human nature, and clearly it hasn’t changed. It didn’t change even while He was here, with us; Judas was proof of that. I do believe that His message has made a difference for mankind though and a lot of it for the better. Part of the reason many people fail to see the better part of it though, is that people aren’t interested in the good part; it’s too boring. Tune your radio or TV to the local news channel and you’ll see what I mean.
Christianity, could never be anything but an uphill battle, because it goes against the grain. It doesn’t matter what kind of Christian you are, beneath the label, because you still have to contend with human nature as it was even before the Hebrews appropriated and exported Assyrian ideas and ideals. Human nature is forever, the X factor, and individual free will, will always steer human nature to its destination. That freedom of the will, to choose is one of the most appealing aspects of the Christian way of life to me. To choose what is right regardless of how negative the consequences, is the real challenge. But to choose the way of peace, of non-resistance, to hate the sin, but never the sinner, to live by example, resigning oneself to whatever comes ones way, over controlling one’s life by the selfish manipulation of the lives of those around you, that for me is the ultimate challenge. I do not claim to be adept at the Christian way. I make no pretense to myself or others that I will ever master the Christian way. I will say this, however, that I haven’t found a better goal to set before myself. It is the target, though never attainable, is always most worthy of pursuit.
I confess also, that I haven’t been able to purge myself of cynicism. I have episodes of depression and despondency and almost total bewilderment when I ponder the evil that we humans are capable of. Every time I read or hear about a crime that seems beyond human comprehension and believability, I say to myself, “this can’t be real.” And then later, I think, surely it can’t get worse than this… and then it does. Sure, there have even been times when I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs, “STOP THE BUS; LET ME OFF!” I think we have all had those moments when we just wanted to end it all, because it just doesn’t make sense anymore and no matter how hard you try to make sense of it all, you just CAN’T! Yeah, I’ve had plenty of moments like that. And what seems so crushing about it is, that it’s so pervasive. We tolerate just about anything now. It’s like we’re on this wild, uncontrollable ride down a steep mountainside with no end in sight. So, how do I get back on track? Well, the first step for me is to stop the, self-talk, which is trying to make sense of it all. I have to tell myself over and over, that it will never make sense, because that’s what free-will is all about. The question mark still lingers though. The thought still persists that if free-will is subject, so often, to such a feather-touch deflection into the dark side of insanity, then what chance do any of us ever have of putting things right and bringing ourselves back to the road of sanity? The only reply I hear is… silence, deafening silence, no answer; just more silence. That’s where I probe though… in the silence.
In spite of it all, I believe. I don’t think it’s the believing part that’s important though; at least not for me. What’s important for me is continually asking myself, “how much do I believe this?” Do I believe this enough to back it up with my words and my actions? Would I sacrifice my life for this? I have to test myself. I have failed more often than I have succeeded, but I persist… I keep trying… I will keep on trying… I will never give up trying.
The Nineveh Kid



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