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=> Re: it never even dawned on me...

Posted by Warrior Empress (Guest) - Friday, April 16 2004, 14:39:46 (EDT)
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I guess as people, we are taught to create masks for ourselves, and learn how to hide behind them when we fear exposure. As children, when we fight, we are told to just "say sorry", when we cry we are told to "cheer up" (or shut up sometimes), when we worry we are told to "relax". The human psyche is rarely delved into, and so instead of revealing itself, it continues to try and render itself obsolete.

Instead of our environment revealing us, it moulds us into self-loathing individuals who are surging with passion and yet lack words to speak. Our craving desires are suppressed by childish fears and societal backlashes against us. We are constantly forced to justify who we are and what our beliefs are but most of the time we have been rotting away under a masked shell of an existence that we do not even know what we believe in. This is why we dont believe in ourselves. This is why we dont believe in victory.

I lack faith and hope. But at least I am still an optimist. I still try and believe that the real me will one day surface and shine. It's funny, because I crave attention and fame and yet I sit at home alone most days and unplug my fone so no one calls. Perhaps I yearn for acknowledgement because I do not yet know who I am, or what I want.

I teach children during the day and that's escapist in many ways because children don't know who you are behind the mask of "Miss Majida", but they accept you anyway. I love my kids, they are such good kids, and they are day by day turning into flourishing writers and avid readers of literature. One child has started on Tolkein in Grade 5 can you believe it? I am very impressed. I struggled with the Hobbit in grade 6 and she is on the Lord of the Rings in grade 5 and English is her second language.

Most days I hate wearing these masks because they suffocate me. I hate succeeding in life because I fall prey to what others want me to say or want me to be. It's sad when you realize you are a successful actress, and a failed human being.

Lately I have been dreaming of myself as a girl child, with my natural hair color roaming in the woods, whilst marches of men walked by. I saw my face, my smooth skin, and my light brown hair. I always hated my hair and started dying it black when I was 13. I chose Good Friday to do it to shock my dad who I think was secretly proud he had blonde children who looked like "normal" Australian kids. We were even given anglo names, except I found out my parents were calling me by my middle name, Ann, when my first name was Majidi. That was my grandmothers name. The lady from Diyarbakir I never met. She was given a Turkish name I guess, also as a mask. But I love my name, because its who I am.My parents still call me Ann. Ha!

I freaked out when Tiglath wrote my name on here, I didnt want people getting into my business. A dear soul sister of mine has a "live journal" online, and I think I may start to write one. I used to write and I burnt everything. The fire brigade busted me and everything! ha! Said I could be taken in for arsony. Luckily I was wearing high heels and lipstick and so was let off for having a vagina I guess.

I started to grow my eyebrows, if you look closely they join at the middle. They're just eyebrows but they are mine.

They are real.

SO Fred, I am glad you got pissed at me for deleting my thing, and for forcing me to re-evaluate. I just wish I didn't have to be such a drama queen about it all and make a big fuss. That's a weak point I guess. I'm histerionic.

And it can be such a fucking relief to lash out sometimes and tell the world you're suffering. I am not like my mother. I can't wear a brave face, and frankly I dont want to have to. I cried for her on my wedding night, and for all women who succumb to men. Sometimes I wish I had met Valerie Solanis.

SO I am rambling again, but its been a while since I have had a conversation with someone. So I guess I will just have it here with you. By the way that Jesus doll is so morbid and freaky! YIKH!!!!!!!! How scary! I remember those Jesus days, we used to sing songs to Jesus at church and he would be hanging there on his cross bleeding to death. Christianity had always been so gory, I mean they are cannibals aren't they? Don't they even eat their God? The priest used to bless the wafer and the wine and say "Body and Blood of Christ" and then you would say "Amen" and you would eat it. And the wafer used to stick to the top of your mouth because you werent allowed to chew Jesus, only suck him...so it wouldn;t hurt I guess. I dunno.

I'm just rambling.

Peace xoxoxox

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The full topic:

it never even dawned on me... parhad - Friday, April 16 2004, 14:00:05 (EDT)
- Re: it never even dawned on me... Warrior Empress - 04/16 14:39
  - rambling rose parhad - 04/16 14:53

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