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Posted by parhad (Guest) - Tuesday, December 16 2003, 13:29:03 (EST)
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Conversation between Constantine and First Pope recently come to light:

Constantine: Explain to me again how Christianity works and why you think It'd be good to support it.

Pope: In the first place it asks it's followers to behave meekly and mildly...to give you whatever you say is yours...it tells them to work hard and not party much...keep regular hours, be honest...allow themselves to be killed if necessary without complaint...even to go looking for death at times. The best part though, from your point of view, is that they are eager to sacrifice themselves...that they see this as the best way of showing their love...Love in a general sense, as in they are "loving people". In this they're trying to emulate the behavior of that Jew your predecessors put to death, you may remember, Jemus Chrust?

Con: Never heard of him. But will they pay taxes, fight in my wars and do whatever we ask them to?

Pop: Of course, they're obedient to a fault. In the first place they aren't interested in life on earth...it's kind of a waiting room for heaven and the more they suffer here the better they'll live when they're dead...and forever too. You can carry on at will, even grow and subdivide if you want to. They believe there will always be poor people and slaves, like most of them are...they believe the world is evil and murderous anyway so they're hardly going to blame you for any of it..."it will always be with us". And...I really think you ought to consider becomming one yourself.

Con: You've got to be joking...and give up all those pretty little boys? And then there's the wife...I'm going to have to kill her and two of my sons at least. Besides, what's to gain...they're going to be what they are regardless of what I do.

Pop: As far as the pretty boys...I know how you feel...I like the little buggers too. But we have this thing called "absolution"...

Con: What kind of solution?

Pop: Absolution...think of it as a "solution" to all your problems, should have any qualms or second doubts. You see, we know people are people and they slip up. This used to make them feel bad, if they cared and we Christians DO care. So once a week, or more often if you need it, you can get forgiveness from god by simply asking me. Of course you have to be sincere...but I haven't met a sinner yet who wasn't sincere about it.

Con: So I can do what I need to do and stay a Christian?

Pop: Yes. We'll say you were "in error" but now you see it and will try harder the rest of the week.

Con: Well what if I want to kill my next wife?

Pop: Never a problem. Come to me the next day and I'll forgive you...say you slipped again but are even MORE sincere now.

Con: How long can this go on?

Pop: As long as you like. Not only that, but before you die I can forgive you everything you ever did and forgot to mention and it will be the same as if you never did a wrong thing..."sin" we call it.

Con: Everything?

Pop: Yes, everything.

Con: You mean to be a Christian I can stay the way I am...kill whom I need to...have as many pretty boys and girls and pretty much behave as if I wasn't a Christian at all and it wouldn't make any difference to anything?

Pop: Yes. Only you aren't supposed to be so happy about it. Not where people can see at least.

Con: I don't understand. I can be a Christian without being a Christian and get all the benefits anyway? Not that I believe any of this stuff, but for practical purposes...what a fantastic religion! The citizens are getting a little too restive these days and those we conquer making more and more trouble. But you tell me if we all turn Christian...but wait a minute, aren't we the ones who killed what's his name? Jamie something?

Pop: Jackie...Jackie Crumst.

Con" Yes, well...if we killed Crumst, where do we get off becomming his followers?

Pop: That's easy...you saw the error in your ways.

Con: But we've killed so many more since we killed him! This is a great religion for error prone people.

Pop: Yes it is, isn't it? But then we're trying to be better all the time.

Con: Let me just get this part straight...Christians will WANT TO sacrifice themselves because in doing so they'll be following the example of their leader...what's his name. They're more interested in getting to heaven than staying on earth...as their earthly leader I can do as I please...AND all of us can be forgiven anything?

Pop: There's more to it than that, but that's the part that concerns you most of all. Let's say you have a war and the young soldiers are dying like flies...well what you want is their parents in one of our churches , on their knees thanking god because now they can show "perfect love" by emulating him...or say things go bad with the corn trade and children start dying of hunger...now before there would be trouble in the streets, but not any more. With Christianity you'll have parents saying god took the child to a better place and they'll thank him all over again because it's another chance to be "like Chrumst". (At this point there's a note in the original manuscript that can best be summed up as Constantine doing a double backflip and shouting, in Latin, Whoooopeeee!...then it continues...) Now, we're going to need to set up schools and teach the children in your empire this new way. And even there you benefit. Once we get through with them and make good Christians out of them...they'll make excellent soldiers for you. And you'll never have to bother about a man's conscience again. Once we make a Christian of him he'll never be troubled by it a moment after.

Con: Okay, okay. But isn't there even one of you who really believes this stuff.

Pop: Not really. One came close but never intended it quite the way we've taken it up...but you killed him...Jack...remember? But don't worry...we took care of that. We teach that the Jews did it.

Con: I think I'm going to like being a Christian.

Pop: I knew you would.

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