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=> reprint...Andy n Me

Posted by parhad (Guest) - Friday, February 13 2004, 10:59:42 (EST)
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note. Andy is by now an Ornery priest or something.

So there we was, Andy and me, five thousand years ago out on a desert under a brlliant sky filled to crowding with sparkling stars...a crescent moon too lovely to behold and the warm wind caressing us. I'd just managed to make a first fire and sat there enjoying myself immensely. When I was younger I'd wondered briefly where all this lovliness came from but gave it up and took to enjoying it instead...figuring whoever could do such a thing, if indeed it was "done" at all or by "anybody"...it was beyond me to figure out as I'd just recently learned water wasn't dangerous and a bath once a month wouldn't hurt anyone, I was content to live...and let live.

But not Andy for you see Andy had a "big mind" that needed filling. All the while I'd been relaxing by the river's edge he'd been pacing it wondering where the river came from. To my reply that it obviously came from over that mountain over there, as any fool could plainly see...he responded with, "well where did that mountain come from"? It was no use telling him it was always there because his next question was..."where did "always" come from and what was there before always"? Andy, you see, was a budding intellectual with a keen mind that asked big questions...and from where I sat by the fire it didn't look to me like asking such damfool things was getting him anywhere...if anything he couldn't seem to sit still and enjoy what we had cause he kept jumping up and asking where "enjoyment" came from.

I was about to move camp and go off to live with the chimpanzees who seemed satisfied enough with things as they were to make for good company when we were visited by a travelling heap of rags who said he was a Prophet and a wise one too. I had my doubts but Andy seemed real pleased...even a litle relieved. "NOW, I can get some answers to these big questions of mine", says he and him and the Prophet sat down and proceeded to eat the supper I'd prepared and in their eagerness to find the big answers, forgot to save me my share.

I didn't mind these sorts of goings on cause I figured Andy'd either get his head filled with whatever it was missing by this Prophet, or he'd give it up and let us get some sleep...quit pacing the desert day and night and asking where the desert came from. I fell to sleep while they was discussing how the world all began and the last thing I seemed to remember hearing was that a dog made it all...at least that's what it sounded like to me as I dozed off.

I was corrected in the morning however by Andy, standing over me and shouting clear to the next country, by way of through my ear...."GOD did it"!!! It scared me so I jumped up and started to hunt around for wherever this god was that did it. I found nothing of course but then it was that I noticed a new sort of calm and quiet come over Andy and I figured whatever that raggedy Prophet told him the night before must have done the trick and I was anxious to hear it too, you can well believe...though first I had to go out and find something for breakfast cause that Prophet he made off with what we had left in the way of food.

"Well Andy", says I...I can see you've got somethign worked out cause you didn't ask me where bread came from when I handed you some. And then Andy proceeded to tell me all about religion.

"I know it now, says he..."this wise man explained it all and I'm going to favor you with it. In the beginning there was dark till god made light and then...

"Where'd he come from"...I asked.

"He was always here, says Andy".

"Well now damn it all Andy, that's what I told you about the mountain and the desert and the river. How come you never paid me no mind"?

"Cause you aren't a Jew Prophet".

Well I was a little hurt at that but so what..."But Andy"...I says," How come you're willing to settle for "God was always here" and not go asking where he came from...but you wouldn't jest shut up about the mountain and desert and let me get some sleep all these years"?

Andy said I didn't understand deep things but he'd pray for me and so I let him plow on.

"So then god he makes animals and then he makes a man and takes out a rib to make a woman with and he tells them all about right and wrong and how he loves them all to death but then he makes a snake go tempt the woman and she bites an apple and then she goes and tempts the man who bites her and then all sorts of children get born and then they go to multiplying until the noise bothers god and besides which they go right on not minding what he says so he sends a whole lot of rain to drown them all except he saves one old coot who saves the animals in the world by crowding them in pairs onto a boat he builds and they sail around for a week till the rain stops and they light on a mountain top and the animals go out and the people go out and pretty soon they're all at it again so this time god sends his son down...or he turns into his son...haven't got that worked out yet...and this fella he preaches about love and god and how if we don't do right god'll send a fire next time and kill us all but not yet so we have a chance to behave ourselves and then he gets killed and gets up and flies to heaven and the people who killed him make a church over his grave and they go to promoting his message, the one they killed him for only they figure out how to make it pay and then....

"Now hold on there...", says I. I've had about enough of this. You mean to tell me you was just waiting all those years to hear THIS? Shit I could have told you an even better story to put you to sleep with if I'd have known just what sort of a damfool you was planing on turning into."

And Andy he said he forgave me and loved me anyway and so did his god...and I said I'd rather be bit by a tarantula than hang aroud that camp any longer so I packed up what little I had and headed over the mountain I STILL didn't give a damn where it came from but was as determined as a man in my state of mind could be to enjoy it anyway. It didn't do no good though cause the next week Andy came over the mountain to preach some more of this nonsense, only he called it "Evangelising"... so I had to move again and that's sort of the way it's been since...Andy and his god chasing me around with their damfool notions of love and trying to get me to go along with them.

But I'll be damned if I will. I just don't have that empty a head to begin with, I guess.

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