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=> Re: Furthermore

Re: Furthermore
Posted by Qasrani (Guest) - Thursday, July 8 2004, 17:27:25 (CEST)
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This is the shrill stuff I have gotten past because it is unproductive. What you are speaking about is the conditioning that has come over time and these are the circumstances that have been given to you. It doesn't really matter what the circumstances are, but the issue is how you react to these things. That's what I've learned. Growing up, Assyrians would tell/ask my father (when we would engage in discussions), "What are you doing, trying to raise her as a son?" That's telling, right? But at the end of the day, it's how you react to things that has the greatest impact. My father did not even find such comments worthy of response. In our house, we all did chores, boy or girl, much to the annoyance of my grandmother who would have connpition fits over the fact that the yak'ana son was doing dishes while the girls sat watching tv. Try and explain to a Mosulneta that it wasn't your turn to do dishes and that the chores you were assigned, you had already completed.... When I was in my teens I was very sensitive about gender issues and irritated at how society tried to hem you in. I'm over this sort of thing now. I try to delve into the nuances of every interaction because every single interaction is quite complex. It's too easy to say, "male chauvinist pig." Actually, it's so easy that it rolls right off the tongue.

Your boob staring experiences are not unique, as you can imagine. It happened to me just a week ago at a July 4th event at a bigwig political thingy. And I was wearing business casual dress. These men would ask a question and just stare there the entire time I was answering then look up when I was finished and ask a follow-up. They were listening, but I think the boobs gave them a focal point to focus on the words. :) But seriously, I thought it was sad (for them) and darkly comic.

I wonder why they aren't listening to you. Seriously, though. I did all this speech and debate when I was younger and I discovered that I didn't have to speak high-pitched and I had more command of my audience's ear when I spoke in a deeper tone. Most people don't listen to higher pitch; men and women filter it out. Are you high-pitched? I actually get compliments on my voice now (because I think they don't realize that its neutral in intonations--until I break out the California slang, then it's valley all the way!). And that isn't the way I speak every day, but it is the voice that I use at conferences and at work. My friend had actually sat in on a conference that I was moderating and when I was done, he came up to me afterward and told me that he had not heard any of my presentation because he had spent the entire time waiting to hear me and didn't realize until the panel was done that the first presentation was actually mine. That's how different I sound. Call it what you want, but this is me being practical. You do what you can to get to where you want to be. Stilletos are out, kitty heels are in...high-pitched is out, deeper voices are in... long skirts are out, short skirts are in.

We do live in a men's world. I don't have any delusions about that fact, but my thing is: who cares? I am going to do what I can to prevail whatever the obstacles. This is just one of many many obstacles that people face in life. If I am in a position to help out another woman who is qualified and needs a break, I will do my utter best to ensure that happens. It's not what I see from other women in the field... They are totally competitive and want to shut the door behind them sort of thing. I have gotten more breaks from men than I have from women (and at this point in my endless interviewing process, the interviewers are about equal men to women.)

If there is anything that I can tell you it is to take yourself seriously. The recognition from anyone else might be piddley, but keep at it. In the end, you have to do it for yourself, right? So, do the best that you can and take yourself seriously. Gauge your audience. Example 3, I don't like sports. I work at a place where all the male partners are constantly talking about sports. The other law clerks that are all guys talk sports. So every Monday or whenever the day after the sporting event is, everybody hashes it out. But guess who gets the projects and the client contact? Guess who gets to keep their job when they get back from a 3-month leave of absence? It isn't the guys; it's me. If those guys left, they wouldn't be coming back. And it wasn't all the partners that I had won over, it was about gauging the partners that noticed my work and building a relationship with them. In my case, it took only 1 partner to convince the lot that I should come back. The point is, your work product always speaks louder than anything else, my friend. I don't care about your gender. If you produce top-notch work product, you can have this professor on his knees. But you have to prove your worth. He might set a higher bar for you, whether that is fair or not is beside the point, that is your reality. Are you going to step up to the challenge? Do you really care? You can always reassess the situation and say, "no, this path is closed and I can't be bothered with it." Then you trek another direction, with another faculty member. But again, it comes back to you... You have to do it first and foremost for yourself. Maybe this professor is male chauvinistic, but maybe he sees himself in the male student, maybe the male student has similar interests to the prof inside/outside the lab. Maybe their personalities mesh better as far as cultural interaction. Is the other male student Assyrian or Middle Eastern or whatever? Maybe the professor senses your resentment. I hope you realize that there can be an infinite combination at work in this dynamic between you and your prof. I don't think it is fair at all to assume that he thinks you always have the option of marrying and being taken care of. That, to me, is a cop out.

The stealing of your ideas by professors... That is academia. Welcome! Now you can never ever use the excuse that you didn't know. I have friends who had to go to law school because their professors (that did not have tenure) stole their proposed graduate topics of interest. Academia is competitive and there isn't enough tenure to go around these days, your experience is an effect of that. It isn't because you are a woman that you suffered this particular experience.

You are not seen as a Ms. "Future MD or Phd" because obviously that is outside those people's direct frame of reference. That doesn't mean everyone thinks that way. I'm sure you have run into MANY people that got it right. It's the few that get it wrong that sting and linger in our memories. But then look at your frame of reference, you are approaching this entire experience as though you are a victim of some male-driven whatever.

And lastly, it isn't corporate media that made "feminism" a bad word. I think if you are a humanist then you are a feminist by definition yes? We have two genders in this world, right? You can't turn to every guy that stares below your neckline and tell them off and call them chauvinist pigs... Wait, I mean, you could, you have the capability but that isn't going to create dialogue. I get sad when I hear women saying things like this, because for me it's about jumping over these hurdles, it's not about stopping in my tracks and yelling at the guy that put them there. He might set another one up in front of you just out of spite, yes? Or like when you have a bad waiter/waitress, they can very well "taint" your food before it makes it to the table if you rub him/her the wrong way... Then you will have eaten, but they will have had the last laugh.

Q



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